I ended up spending day buying clothes and getting ready for my new job in Beijing. I went to see my friend, Alethea, who helped me shop for clothes at Macy’s. She has a fantastic eye for fashion and I have known her for about 20 years or more. She is also married to one of my best friends, Randy, and I have seen their relationship bloom and marriage happen between them. They are a wonderful couple and have a fantastic kid.
I bought a bunch of slacks, shirts, undershirts that are specially made for hot temperature climates, fun socks, and other things that I will need. I still haven’t been able to realize that this is final and I’ll be moving to Beijing for three years. However, by going shopping and imaging myself wearing this clothes in an office, it is starting to sink in more and more each moment.
As it starts to sink in, I’m starting to finally feel a little nervousness and anxiety. I feel this is normal, and expected, and it is easy to deal with because I know that I should feel some anxiety. It is not very much and it is mostly the nervousness that comes with excitement and change. It is interesting to note when I tell people that I’m moving to Beijing for three years whether they respond with, “Are you excited?” or “Are you nervous?” as those seem to be the two main questions that people ask. I have no idea what those questions say about the people asking them but it would be interesting to find out and see why some people tend to be nervous about changes like this or excited.
For me, it is 95% excitement and 5% nervousness. I feel that is a very reasonable level and will continue to watch and record excitement versus nervousness as I move forward and make sure to keep things in order so that my nervousness doesn’t increase. I know what I need to get done so I’m not nervous and have a plan on how and when to do everything coming up. I believe that my nervousness will actually drop to 0% as I continue on the path for my plan and step on the plane to China and my excitement will increase. What I imagine will happen as my excitement increases is my grief about leaving family, friends and what I “know” as home will increase also which is very different than nervousness. I plan to track this also to learn more about what triggers these emotions. This may sound boring but I actually find it very fun, and enlightening to know what triggers certain emotions and how I can alleviate them if they troublesome in the moment, or engage more deeply in them and let myself be at peace with the feelings and thoughts they bring up. It is all fleeting and impermanent so I do my best to enjoy the feeling and emotion and then move on to what happens next.